If you missed the first email in this series you can read it here
In my early 20’s I started to devour books on female sexuality, to learn how to fix myself.
By this point I was desperate…
I was convinced I was broken and had so much shame about not being able to enjoy sex.
So I started to read up on how to be a Super Sex Goddess.
In my mind at that time, Super Sex Goddesses were women who could experience G - Spot orgasms and ejaculate, along with the holy grail which was achieving orgasm from penetration alone.
I was convinced that if I could learn these things and learn to enjoy sex, I could fix my pattern of failed relationships.
So what did I try?
I visited a ‘Parlour’ in West London and had a genital massage from a female Tantrika.
I bought jade eggs and did Vaginal Kung Fu with them.
I attended sexuality workshops in order to learn how to have full body orgasms.
I drank Ayahuasca
I did shamanic breath work
I had Chi- Ne - Tsang Chinese medicine sessions.
Visited a Kinesiologist to find out why my libido was so low
I had rebirthing breath work sessions and tried womb meditations
I attended a series of Vaginal De-armouring sessions
I found out my “Erotic Blueprint” in order to further understand my sexual response
I started to learn Taoist Sexual practice to learn how to cultivate and circulate sexual energy
I started an Expanded orgasm practice, in which my partner and I learnt a meditative clitoral stroking technique
I engaged in copious amounts of self pleasure that very rarely actually felt pleasurable.
I had heard that vibrators caused numbing and so I bought a glass dildo in order to ‘release tension’ in the vagina and cervix
I read countless books and learnt pelvic anatomy so I could try to discern where I might be holding tension.
As well as participating in multiple online courses which would teach me about my body, and tell me why I was ‘blocked’ in this area..
And did any of these things work?
Well...to some extent, yes.I learnt SOMETHING from everything I tried.
But did all of this make me into the Super Sex Goddess that I was hoping for?
In short no.
In the beginning I came away with an even keener sense of brokenness and fear because nothing seemed to work.
And then, when peak experiences did occur, they still didn’t change the day to day reality of the sexual experiences I was having with my partner?
So what did I learn then?
That I am whole, whether I am having chandelier swinging sex or not.
That I am loveable and deserving of love, whether my partner stayed with me or not.
That it is not my responsibility alone to keep a relationship together.
AND that being able to support me in my sexual journey, in whatever way I need, is the appropriate response from a loving partner.
AND AND that men do not in fact die if they don’t have sex.
AND AND AND that if a man puts his desire for sex above your wellbeing he needs to get the hell OUT!
The truth is your body needs to feel completely safe before it can truly engage in full and expansive sexual energy. For me this was difficult when just the sight of a naked man was enough to trigger me!
So you can see that I had a lot of things to learn about myself before any kind of sexual healing was going to happen.
I also learnt that there are a LOT of people selling a LOT of different ways to get in touch with your body. And that not everything will be right for you.In fact most of these things were inappropriate for me to be engaging in.I now know that any kind of work that involved another person or asked me to use an external object as as part of my healing process was actually re-traumatising to my body.
I needed to learn to honour my body’s boundaries and give her all the time that she needed. The skill of enforcing my boundaries and knowing my true, full body ‘YES’ had been eroded by years and years of overriding my body and having sex when I didn’t actually want to.
I had to learn to have patience towards myself and not assume that my partners needs were more important than my own. And I had to learn to be loving and nurturing towards myself, not forcing my body to do things before it was ready.
So you see, It takes a pretty aware person to exercise these basics in the structure of a workshop or course and especially in live partnered sexual relationships.Trauma runs deep and the habitual re-traumatising patterns of behaviour we engage in are a part of that.
And what do I know now ?
1. That once you see through the conditioning of what was is being sold to you as ‘Sexually Empowered’ and you come to know deep in your bones that you are whole and perfect exactly as you are whether you are having sex or not, it is then that your body will truly start to allow the things you want to move into your experience. Undertaking this journey from a place of inadequacy is a recipe for an overdrawn bank account and dangerous levels of insecurity.
2.That once you can allow your body to exist in a state of loving acceptance for who you are and the body you have, rather than existing in a state of constant anxiety and fear about sexual inadequacy and being alone, your body can start to respond to you in the ways that you want.
And how do we get to this place?
1.Compassion for yourself and your journey so far
2.Learning to deeply relax and release tension in your body
3.Slowly build your capacity for feeling in your body
Look out for my next email where i’ll be sharing what truly helped me in my journey of sexual awakening