So you think you’re fine and then you get on your mat and you start.And all of a sudden there it is, you feel into your depth and it's painful.
During my practice this week I have mostly been experiencing sadness, heartbreak and melancholy.
So why do it?
Because there was a time when I couldn't feel anything. I literally couldn't cry and prayed to God to help me feel. There was an armour that had (unbeknownst to me) been accumulating since my childhood.
And it was this armour that was keeping me from experiencing the joys, the sorrows, the deep connection to this world that I had been craving. It was also alienating me from myself and from the human race in general.
Within that melancholy and that heartbreak lives the divine, and I get to be lucky enough to feel. Lucky enough to start to get a taste of the range and depth of it all. This is something I have desired for many years.
I think somewhere in there is why I started to dance. Instinctively I was drawn to movement because my body knew it would help. And it did. To an extent.
But now I've been guided to go deeper.
Past the level of movement to music.
To finding my bodies true voice.
Not my choreographic voice.
Not a movement language that I hoped to utilise
Or desired to become fluent in.
But to hear and feel the things my body wanted to show me.
The thing with this practice is that one can't choose what they want to feel.They can only listen and allow.
And it is in that allowing, that surrendering to all the feels, that we get to embrace the heartbreak and the sorrow and the joys and the longings of what it means to be human.
Somehow when I'm moving in the shit, I don't feel contracted.
I feel connected.
And that is one of the beautiful things about this practice.
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