SECURE ATTACHMENT AS A SPIRITUAL PATH

My teacher speaks about secure attachment as a Spiritual Path. 

I always long to be somewhere else then where I am. 

So far, my existential home sickness has been a secret. Something that I’ve over time felt in the contours of  my psyche, but I could never could put my finger on what the longing was about. 

Some have said the longing is for the palace before we came to earth. Wherever that is or was. 

I feel it as a longing to be home. 

Planet earth does not and has never felt like my home. 

As the years have passed, I have often felt like a failure. 

A failure as a partner, and as a mother. 

Because a life on earth has never felt truly fulfilling, even though I have a beautiful family, dear loved ones and friends

The existential home sickness remains. 

I had a sense that my mother was not a happy wife and mother. 

I think back to the hundreds of years of women who came before me who were not able to choose differently. 

To be free from the role that they perhaps didn’t want.

To be on their own. 

To have solitude. 

I wonder how much of what I feel is mine and how much is there’s? 

Maybe the work I am doing here is the work of dissolving contrast? 

Healing opposites? 

I know many women who have said no to any of it. 

To all of it actually.

How beautiful that they can. 

And yet somehow that does not feel like MY path. 

My path feels to be to do the work of dissolving opposites inside of the container of relationship. 

I have a beautiful man that completely understands my longing, my homesickness, and my need to be elsewhere. 

And he holds it all. 

He is part of the support I have been given to do this work. 

He is what I have been gifted with that allows for such dissolution.

He is what helps me to understand the healing in the hard times. 

The daily exhaustion of this path. 

I did not ask for it. 

And yet here it is. 

It’s part of how I know that this path has been laid out for me. 

Because it wasnt of my asking

It isnt of my doing. 

I have a feeling my ancestors have been patiently waiting for me all along